It has been a long day.

Sometimes, you wander. Your heart is breaking and you’re lost. Everything seems to be turning against you, in every what way. People say things like “When you reach the end of the rope, tie a rope and hold on”, but how possible it practically? When your heart is aflame and soul is flayed and you are so, so close to crying, to breaking down and letting go… what do you have to hold on to? 
There are things to be taken into consideration. Perhaps your pride hurts, and so you can’t share with caring friends. Perhaps your heart hurts, and you’re stung at what you see as a betrayal… “They told me it was good, they took me on a high pedestal, and now they threw me down? Or was I not good enough?” 
It is so hard to stay neutral, to be just and bleeding, and stunned and circumspect at the same time. I still don’t know how to do that. I always need the help of someone. I know that now, and I know I have people who are willing, but then they have a life and I’m stuck in a nightmare and it’s as if I’m suddenly at the edge of a black hole, getting pulled in, with no one to help me climb out.
Decisions… they are so hard and I hate how they pull both ways and I’m utterly unsure. How do I know I’m not making a huge mistake? How do I know that I’m letting go of an enormous opportunity? What will I do if I regret it later? The cold ice of dread is in my heart and I. don’t. know! it is so, so, so frustrating, so unnerving. My whole future depends on this, and I followed my instincts, but… what if?!
And now that I actually made one and followed it through, unexpected hindrances are putting my entire future at jeopardy! What if this doesn’t work out? What will I do? Where will I go? Will both boats sink, so close, so very close in sight of land, both of them?! Incredible bad luck and astonishing circumstances, but time, unstoppable time and inexorable limits stare us in the face and after being so close, will I drown?!
The personal achievements today matter little. I did what I had to- I faced tests and came out with flying colours- which only serves to make this the more ironic, really! Even after doing everything I possibly could to ensure my future will be safe… what is this mockery?! Why me? Why, why me? 
I don’t know how much more I can take. 

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