The moment I logged in to blogspot and saw that number on the page, I smiled- I think for the first time in the day I smiled spontaneously, without feeling guilty about it. I was going to write a very depressed post about how difficult and maddening and stressful and tear-jerking it is to cope with all this shit when I’m so new at it and everything’s so strange, and how I’m afraid of falling, but now- no, this is not the occasion. I’ve been struggling with this cursed, blighted, damned art project for three hours. I’ve been missing Saher and Varsha and Neerju and two other friends rather desperately. But… I smiled.
Do you know what this statistic reminded me of? Something very important, something I often tend to forget- now more than ever. Rather than thinking about how far I have to go, for the first time in the day, and quite a few days, I thought about how far I’ve come.
This little blog of mine, where I scribble away just what I feel and where people peep in now and then to get a glimpse through the window into my convoluted, confused, constrained, crazy mind- has trotted along and today it’s a 1000 views old. MY baby. MY creation. I feel like a mother about to shed tears of love and joy because words cannot express what a comfort this blog is to me. I just… I love it so much.
And now it’s done the impossible again and made me smile while I was more stressed than ever with so many things haunting me, screaming in my ears, making me go deaf even while I screw up my courage and try and ignore the din. It’s made me pause, take a deep breath and for the first time, give myself something I’d been withholding ever since I came to Kolkata- respect.
I remember the time Neeraja told me that I should have more confidence in myself. Perhaps she was right. I remember when Saher told me that of course she’s incorporate my suggestions into her writing- “duh, of course I did you bitch” were here exact words I believe. I remember when Vakka said, “You know Rushati, you;d be really good at physics if you tried.”
Perhaps they were all right.
Is it even possible, that such an insignificant occasion should make me feel so special, so proud, so… good? It’s soothed all my raw wounds and the dull, throbbing heartache of fear and sadness that I develop, and I feel- new. I feel ready to cry it out and then take on the world, because BITCH PLEASE I HAVE A BLOG WITH 1000 PAGE VIEWS.
I wonder how many people in my class can say that. Not many, I bet.
And now we’re all standing hand in hand- all those people who gave me strength to go on in Hard Times- each looking down a different road in the future. Everyone talked about 1st September because it is the day the Hogwarts Express leaves- and in a way, that metaphor is appropriate. The whistle is blowing, the engine is belching smoke, the last good-byes have been said, the train is about to leave the station…
As we move forward, we wave to blurred figures waving back on the station- at us, at the people we knew and who have grown up now, at memories… at milestones. They give us strength to go on. I, like an idiot, forgot those figures standing on the platform, standing and waving.
Whoever you were, 1000th person, I owe you. A lot. Thank you for reminding me about those figures.