I. AM. DEADLOCKED.

Oh dear.

I just rewatched Reichenbach Falls. I don’t really know why. My computer just came back and as a- celebration? What? I just decided to rewatch it.

Big. Mistake.

When the episode ended I just sat there and did this thing like a mix of half dry sobbing half laughing, covering my face with my hands, with this huge knot in my throat and a swooping emptiness in my stomach.

I just. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t.

And like an idiot I did not note down my feelings AS I was watching it, so of course now at the end everything just came crashing back- it’s amazing how all the emotions tripled in this second watch, and just deluged me like a tsunami, unlike what one would expect- already watched it so no feelings.

One thought I do remember having is, “Oh my god does anyone else think Mycroft’s laugh is creepy? He’s not meant to smile, seriously. Mark Gatiss looks adorable when he smiles or laughs, but he’s Mark Gatiss, not Mycroft!”

I don’t mind telling you guys that I found Mycroft a tiny bit hot- it’s just, in all his scenes, especially with John, the balance of power is so totally in his favour always. But then I found out that he’s Mark Gatiss and I LOLed really hard because Mark is so absolutely different from him that it’s weird. And a testament to the brilliant actor that he is. But weird.

Also I thought about all the similarities in mannerisms between Mycroft and Sherlock- I believe the sexy eye quirk has already been pointed out by Tumblr. At the end when Mycroft is reading the “fake genius commits suicide” paper, and he puts it down, and even with all the raging emotions burning the heart out of me I instantly grinned when I saw him put his fingers together as if in prayer- exactly like Sherlock. I noted the similar eyes that they have- his a pale calm blue and Sherlock’s a blazing sapphire fire. I thoug about how Sherlock and Mycroft might have been as children, as brothers.

I remember thinking fiercely, “ WHY did Jim not mention Molly in Sherlock’s list of friends? It’s distinctly odd- I mean he knows perfectly well that she is- that’s why he used her to get to him for God’s sake- it’s PECKING away at me!” And I leapt up from my chair with a growl and paced restlessly about the room, in a manner not unlike Sherlock’s. I also wondered why he didn’t mention Mycroft, but that I thought could be because he is too well protected by the British government.

This time I freaked out during quite a few scenes with Sherlock and Jim, not having noticed subtle details before. I noticed so many different things- primarily Benedict’s lips, while they rested at the edge of the cup.
How Jim went in and sat with his legs crossed, and then put his legs down when Sherlock gave him the tea. I don’t even know why this seemed so significant to me but I noticed it.

How Sherlock offered Jim a seat with the bow and Jim went and sat opposite it.

The tie pin at the trial. The way he walked. His smile.

Sherlock in the bathroom. With our reporter. The raw tension between them . The raw tension back at the court around the same time, between Moriarty and that policewoman. I obviously felt this- felt this?! Understatement- it was like an electric charge THROUGH the screen on both occasions, and again it brings to mind the brilliance of the actors, last time I watched them as well, but this time I really… soaked it in. 

Didn’t exactly help me.
“Every fairytale needs a good-old fashioned villain.” “No rush.” Because of the craziness centred around these dialogues it was electrifying to hear them again, not to mention going right back to worshipping Moriarty for all he’s worth.

How Sherlock blinked so many times during that last scene, during the first time we thought Moriarty had coerced him into jumping and until now it honestly did not occur to me that it might have been Morse code. 
  
And the tea! The way everyone dropped their tea when he broke in! It was symbolic of the FALL of the British nation!

Can you believe that the last time I watched it, I did not catch Jim’s joke either? With Richard Brooke translated to German for Reichenbach? I realized it this time. Clearly my mind palace needs a bit of a spring clean.

I also noticed something rather curious about the opening credits; there was a lot more of Irene Adler in them than was justified by the episode. The Sherlock opening credits always have a relation to the episodes. In The HoB there was hardly any mention of her. Yet, in this episode, in spite of not being physically present, she was there. Now I know this seems highly insignificant, but unfortunately this is Steven Moffat we’re talking about. And Steven Moffat, as I read on Tumblr recently, does not simply throw around sh*t like that without reason.

Did you know that the last time I watched it, I did not feel anything- anything at all- at the very end, other than a sense of blinded wonder. One thing I did not expect was Jim killing himself and I remember my heart sinking. I remember laughing and gaping simultaneously with shock as the events of the episode unfolded on my screen- with awe at Moriarty’s might, Sherlock and John’s friendship, Molly’s loyalty, but most of all, all that Moriarty did. This episode belonged to him-he was its king, and oh honey I saw you in your crown and you KILLED me, Jim.

And my god that last scene- it… numbed me, I think. I was so severely shocked by it that I couldn’t feel anything and it took me three months to get used to it. And after this period I gathered up the courage to watch it again and I. Collapsed. COLLAPSED. I… can’t I can’t deal with this I have FIREWORKS in my stomach and I can’t breathe dear god I can’t breathe.

And like an idiot I had to go and re-read this document where I write down all my reactions and I read my reactions to TGG and ASiB and RB falls the first time I watched it and… I’ll say what I’ve said before. I’ll quote myself.

“Because THIS SHOW. THIS PERFECTION. THIS BRILLIANCE.

BLOODY HELL.
This show. This fracking show.

IT.

I cannot.

I just, simply… cannot.

Oh my god.”

Yup. That pretty much sums it up.

And my reactions for RB Falls the first time around stops at Jim’s entrance to the Tower of London- which is to say barely 5 minutes into the episode, with :

“OMG WHAT IS GOING ON?!!”

I thought it was because I already knew that Sherlock wouldn’t die, having devoured the books roughly three and a half years before I started watching the show. But now I know differently. I know it rightly.
You know, for the past few weeks I’ve been coming across these images of Steven Moffat saying things like “Steven Moffat- Mah Emoshuns” and just smiling and moving on, but tonight I know EXACTLY what those people mean. Oh dear God. If they were HALF as disturbed, experiencing the state of turmoil this ill-advised rewatch of RB Falls has left me in, you know what? THEY HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO!

*breathes* thank God for this blog and for Tumblr. People need to have some outlet for these crazy, BURNING feelings. Some people tumble to let it out pictorially, I take to this blog and verbally sob my emotions out.

As a last sentence, RIP James Moriarty, THE most badass, insane, burningly sexy, unbearably hot, unimaginably cruel and truly villainous psychopath ever. You don’t exactly deserve to be at peace, but if you haunt me any further with your frackingly scary yet magnetic, compulsive order to worship you, I shall die at your feet. I have already offered my sanity and my ovaries to your altar. Just… let me not die like this.

I would talk about Benedict and Andrew and Martin and Mark, but not now.  I actually plan to watch this episode a third time. The first time, the events of the episode jumbled up and speared through into me like a physical electric shock. I was hardly conscious by the end of it and I missed all the smaller parts because the broader strokes overwhelmed me so absolutely. This time- it was aaaalll about Jim. Jim Moriarty. Jim, Jim, Jim, Andrew, Andrew, Andrew, Andrew… oh dear. Because I really and truly worshipped this character. I’ve NEVER fallen as hard for any fictional being, except perhaps Supernatural’s Castiel, until now. All I saw was him, and Andrew… Andrew. It was completely involuntary and I didn’t even realize it until I actually started writing this piece, and I saw that all I could write about was him, all I could think about was Jim… Jim. This is my tribute to him.

Next time, I plan to make it about Benedict- about Sherlock. I’ll notice everything about him, hopefully. Next time, I shall proceed to scream about them.

I noticed Sherlock’s friends the first time, his enemy on the second occasion and him on the third- kind of poetic, don’t you think.

Until then.

PS- OH OH OH I ALMOST FORGOT omg was scrolling through aforementioned document again and found a note of mine from ASiB (So the pool sign behind Moriarty’s head says, “Deep end.” Coincidence? I think not.) which reminded me- the sign in the reporter’s room, behind Richard Brooke’s head? Just noticed that it says “MAKE BELIEVE.”

Hats off to you, Mr. Moffat. Hats off. 

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