Fangirling is serious business.

So someone tweeted the Christmas tree photo from A Very Supernatural Christmas, which made me think about how much I loved that episode, and how emotional and lovely it was, and how it hit the very core of Supernatural- family.

And then I started internal creying because I miss my Supernatural so much. Some parts of S6 and especially- ESPECIALLY- S7, went so far off track for me personally that nothing can ever be the same again. My Supernatural is gone forever.

And so are my Winchesters, so is my Team Free Will, so is my deep love for the show which is so different and universal and… touching. Instead there’s this big empty space which Sherlock occupied comfortably and sort filled it up like a ginormous comfy inflatable pool duckie, but  the duckie is losing air as Sherlock takes longer and longer to return.

Is it so wrong that, as a fan, I’m beginning to feel cheated now? For HOW LONG are we expected to be patient and wait?! Two years- two years- while other complain about their show going on two-week hiatuses! I am a fangirl, I need my show like a drug , and in less dramatic terms, everyone needs entertainment and escape from life occasionally- this is my escape! I’ve been deprived of this for a year and until now i think I maintained a sufficiently calm and loyal demeanour- and then I discover it’s almost another year before it returns and I think I’m losing it now!  I’m beginning to forget what i liked about the show in the first place and re-watching the episodes doesn’t help because it doesn’t recapture the emotions that accompanied the first watch- and it’s the first watch that counts.

I sound so utterly narrow-minded and so childish when I say this, like I’m resenting the growth of my two apparently favourite actors beyond Sherlock and into the work that they deserve- but that’s not what I mean at all! I just… I just miss the show! I got to know them because of the show and they’re obviously wonderful people and outstanding actors, I just wish they’d come back to the platform because of which I got to know them in the first place. It feels like the show’s already over and done with, bled white and neatly parcelled into one fond corner of my mind. It breaks my heart to see it entombed like this! Benedict and Martin, I love you, but it just feels like you’ve forgotten about this- feel being the operative word. I’m sure you’re very busy, but in the meantime we out here are waiting and patience is waning. There comes a time when waiting just … becomes too much. I am not the only one getting fidgety I think.

Ah well. So we come back to Supernatural, which I miss and am no longer able to find solace in. Too tired and have more important things to do than find new shows- and I don’t want to move on. Not so soon. i can like only one show at a time and Sherlock- this show- this show!- deserved a place in my heart and got it. Its insanely high standards in terms of plot and concept and storytelling and performances and subtle touches owned my heart. And now that it’s gone and the magic is dissipating and showing no signs of being replenished any time soon, i feel weirdly left behind. Like everyone- the actors and the channel and the people behind it and the show itself- has moved on leaving me with nothing but an empty stage set with props and a heart filled with feels.

Disillusionment is a hard thing you know. I was so heavily involved in the Supernatural fandom and then everything was destroyed, and now I see people tweeting about it and becoming fans and i feel nothing but a sense of pain- of loneliness and longing for a time when the Wayward Winchesters were so much a part of my life, and I so much a part of their journey. I wonder if these new fans will feel the same way once they’re done with the first five seasons and experience season 7? A lot of them don’t seem to.

I don’t remember feeling this when I switched over from The Vampire Diaries- which I’m going back to a little- to Supernatural. Probably because my show hadn’t been absent from the screen for one and a half years, and then some.

You know, I have this Sherlock group on Facebook in which I exhort people to comment/like more, and one of my friends said, yes, I’ll do it in one and a half years when Sherlock comes back. This was the friend who actually induced me to watch Sherlock and she’d obviously been a fan for longer than me. And then she moved on to other things. I remember seeing her posts elsewhere with a vague feeling of pain, a sense of loss- but now I know exactly how she feels. This friend however was staunchly loyal to Supernatural, which I wasn’t- couldn’t be, ever since my Cas for all practical purposes disappeared from the show. I wonder if she felt the same about me?

And the weird thing is the sense of pain, abandonment, longing I felt when I saw people no longer tagging me in Supernatural posts, watching them move on. Meanwhile Sherlock remained suspended in limbo between this year and eternity.

Sigh.

I miss you, Sherlock. I miss you, Supernatural. Both my shows have abandoned me and moved on. When did that happen?

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