Help I’m in love

My heart is beating like a hammer!

 Yes I know those are not the actual lyrics but oh who cares, it’s music and it’s meant to be fitted into situations and honestly, right now my situation isn’t that far away from being a Hammerheart Shark. Or something along those lines.

i’m in love.

help.

Not the aww-i-need-him-to-talk-to-me-notice-me kind of love- mostly because he lives in America and is twenty six and so amazingly badass that he is 20,000 leagues above me. But also because, well, it just isn’t. More than ‘love’ this is devotion and ardent admiration to his flawless assertion and acceptance of himself and the way he is so COMPLETELY at ease with and in control of himself and people around him. It’s amazingly liberating just to experience and feel, more so because i can never be so free- just to know that there is someone out there who can be so is actually helping me take a freer breath on this planet. Also he has a girlfriend who i think is in every way a match for him- she’s unbelievably pretty and funny and so smart and, well, intellectual- there’s really no other way to put it- as she herself says that having been born and bred in the household of a feminist  has filled in her the intrinsic need to over-think everything. By the way, that status I recently posted? –>

“I’m also really tired of hearing some feminists say that any CHOICE made by a woman is invalid or wrong because it doesn’t line up with THEIR idea of liberated womanhood. Do you want equality and freedom of choice or do you want everyone in traditionally female occupations to roll over and do what you say? If you want the latter, you are just as bad as the patriarchy that you rail so hard against.”

–> Yeah, that was her. I admire her so much and in many ways she reminds me of Victoria Vantoch- Misha Collins’ wife, not the least of which is that they’re both so much at ease with themselves.

But to get back to him. I’m shivery and have nervous anticipation and i’m screaming (online, at least, with the help of two very patient, very adorable and much long-suffering friends), i’m daydreaming, I just… wow. I never thought i’d feel quite this way again, such an unadulterated childish joy filled with *online* giggles and *online* worshipping. I feel the need to scour the internet and memorise everything about him and…

Here’s a secret- i don’t even feel this way about Benedict Cumberbatch. 

if you know me, you know what a very great compliment that is.

With Benedict… and Andrew Scott, for that matter, it’s more respect- respect for how very brilliant they are at what they do. They inspire me to be the best I possibly can be in my area. But this guy, he inspires me to embrace myself…. and I love that.

It’s kind of like Misha, actually. Except for some reason i never found Misha “sexually attractive” (for lack of a less cheesy term, and literally taken, mind you). Hilarious, adorable, KICK ass, brilliant multitasker, perfect actor, but not…. that way. I think he’s just too hilarious a person for me to feel this… awed fear and giggles for him!

This guy… he can be tough. God, he can. He can be bitingly sarcastic and even a bit scary, but most of the time he has these haha-worthy tweets and seems like such a genuinely nice and warm person, it’s a wonder how he morphs into that avatar. Which just makes me go that much more weak in the knees, I guess. On the other hand, he can sometimes be so sweet and caring I’m just sitting there sobbing and going, “I want a guy like that. Oh god I want someone like that.”

I guess the real cause underlining this hyperventilation-causing situation is the factors in a man that I find attractive… and how I define love. I re-iterate that this situation most certainly not “love”. Love… it’s… natural. As breathing. It’s… somebody who makes you smile at the end of a tough day. It’s… finding a common subject during random talking and discovering that you love to communicate with each other and smiling when you remember that. It’s finding someone to whom your mind at first- or second, or third- glance is completely devoid of any attraction except- to me, this is fundamentally important, “Aw he’s a nice guy”.It’s only later, after considerable laughter and a few shared experiences that build your trust, that you think (or at least I did), “Maybe he’s the one. I think I like him. I… really do.” There’s no strain, no pressure to feel gaps with conversation. It’s warm and huggable. it’s… friendship. With an added cuddle factor.

What I feel for this guy is worship– and that is sexy. It’s admiration- for confidence and for being freaking KICK ASS at what they do, and for being a nice person added to all that. It’s the power in being able to manipulate the key elements of your passion, reaching this level of perfection with many layers and nuances, doing so with playful ease, that attracts me. I feel that way for many men along with nine million other fangirls on this super awesome website called Tumblr. I feel it for Ben, yes, and Andrew, and Ted Hughes, and W B Yeats, and a few others who I can’t remember right now (re: this is not love, see.) and who rock.

If this man ever found out that I’m “in love” (for once I bow to generic- ness? what is the noun? – and use the word because it’s so much more expressive, plus it just feels nice to pretend I’m in love, idk. …. don’t ask. really.) with him and told him that he’d probably hug me and laugh, and then wink and hold up his hand and do his signature… er, sign-off. And I’d laugh, and then promptly die. Because I’m an awkward panda like that.

Ah well.

*hums* Help I’m in love my heart is beating like a hammer…

Awesome Addition: This is also a nice song to hum sometimes when you’re in love.

One Comment Add yours

  1. “Love… it's… natural. As breathing. It's… somebody who makes you smile at the end of a tough day. It's… finding a common subject during random talking and discovering that you love to communicate with each other and smiling when you remember that. It's finding someone to whom your mind at first- or second, or third- glance is completely devoid of any attraction except- to me, this is fundamentally important, “Aw he's a nice guy”.It's only later, after considerable laughter and a few shared experiences that build your trust, that you think “Maybe he's the one. I think I like him. I… really do.” There's no strain, no pressure to feel gaps with conversation. It's warm and huggable. it's… friendship.”

    My goodness!! ALL MY THOUGHTS! Love HAS to be like friendship. It has to be easy, ofcourse it can be difficult too. But u know..semantics. 😛 I mean to find the easiness in all those tough times, THAT is love for me too. I just don't know if i'll find it. sigh. That being said, wow dude! And maybe i'm dense or it was NOT meant to be clear but who's the guy? 😉

    p.s- I LOVED how you included Andrew in it. It's just..it warmed my heart. I love that guy too. :')

    Like

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