Good morning/ afternoon/ evening my flock. I am your Shepherd, guiding you to awesomeness through my blog. And doing that in perfect penguin style, blundering and crashing into things and making mistakes. But that’s why you love me, right?
LOL WHO AM I KIDDING this isn’t one of my fantasies where everyone recognizes the adorable human being I am and falls in love with me. Moving on.
I haven’t updated the route in a while and I’ve been frothing at the mouth to do so for weeks now. I’ve got too much to do, too much to worry about and no support structure. I’m naked and vulnerable and so are the people- so is the person- who form the core of this structure. In our mutual need to protect each other as well as deliver our best in our work AND deal with what I like to call People Problems, it’s been crazy. I’m about to burn out. I’ve been feeling burnt out for roughly three months but People have been causing Problems. God. People. With their tiny little egos all inflated and ready to pop, honestly thinking they are the centre of the universe, that I exist to worship them like others do. What I wouldn’t give to punch them in the face and shake them up well and good and scream O LOOK I HAVE STUFF TO DEAL WITH TOO IS THAT A SURPRISE TO YOUR TINY LITTLE BRAIN.
Do they make it this way on purpose? That they’re actually trying to prepare us for what lies ahead out there in the big bad world? Is it possible that they’re actually trying to help us? Wow. I gotta tell you that THAT feels really hard to believe. But then I guess I’d better suck it up. At least I’ll have experience, y’know, in meeting standards and exceeding them? But I gotta tell you that it comes at a price which doesn’t always feel worth it. I guess I’d better suck that up too. Because if I don’t push, push, push, how do I get better than others, who already seem to be so much better than me? How do I become the best? How do I carve out my niche? Such a long way to go and already scared. It’s really amazing how clueless I can be. I think I’m heading for trouble.
Anyway, in writing the above three paragraphs I’ve already thought about Grey’s Anatomy thrice (Derek, George and Meredith respectively). That show, let me tell you. It is special and unique for more than one reason, and I love it. For the first time ever, I love a show because of it’s concept, rather than the characters. The concept of using medical metaphors for life. The concept of people finding medicine in every aspect of their lives because they’re addicted- they live medicine, breathe medicine, talk, eat, sleep medicine.They form relationships through medicine. They’re obsessed. They fangirl over medicine and surgery methods and diagnoses and describe surgeons as rockstars. They’re intoxicated. And it’s not because they save lives, although that satisfaction and peace is there. It’s the adrenaline rush of knowing, of delivering under pressure in the area that you love. It’s the crazed selfish pursuit of detached impersonal knowledge- the arrogance in it. It’s the arrogance of leaving everything behind for that one thing. It’s the arrogance of finding peace and purpose in what others view as a trial, a cause for tension, an ordeal. It’s the arrogance of winning, and accepting that as matter of course and moving on to the next thing, pushing, pushing, pushing, having more and more to prove, and, after success, forgetting it and setting up another target. And in the meanwhile, you have the loop holes. Sometimes, in the middle, you stop living in this dream and become human, experience human emotions, get torn and bleed. But you get up. You heal. You start again. You keep at it, over and over, until you live your life out. That is the concept of Grey’s Anatomy. And that, in a nutshell, is why I love it.
I think it’s the first show that I’ve come across that points to something bigger than puny human emotions. It creates this all-consuming something that is paramount to an addiction and THAT is the catalyst, that is why they are who they are, and sometimes, they stop being outstanding machines and give in to being human. This- I haven’t found this in ANY other show, except maybe Supernatural and Dexter. It certainly helped that I started watching the show in the sixth season. when the concept was already well-developed and established. In all their diversities, Meredith’s Zen form, Cristina’s open hungry ambition, Teddy’s quiet authority and Derek’s disarming charm, it’s there- their first identity- they are surgeons first, and anything and everything else later. Surgery and medicine come first and everything else may follow as it chooses to. That is why, every episode of Grey’s Anatomy opens with a description of something related to surgery and then that is related to life. Now that’s the kind of attitude I approve of.
I think it starts with my need to believe in something. I’m a student of Humanities. My passion is Literature, a tool of society, so I study everything that affects Literature- sociology, psychology, history, art. Everyday I study about how the world f*cked itself up through things that are not easily definable. What is right and what is wrong seem to be increasingly confusing concepts. At what point does right become wrong? Justification become excuses? A desire to change or honestly help become misguided? Why does conflict start? Where does it end? What are the forms that it takes? Why is it so incredibly hard to avoid it? What soical and psychological factors come into play? At what point do individuals become monsters or principles become ‘wrong’? Wars, blamegames, politics, perspectives, twisted, straightened, misery, revenge, righteous anger, beginning, ending, dragging- How? When? Why? Why? Why?- it’s insane! Every day I think about things and I feel overwhelmed, gasping for breath, struggling to grasp the enormity of pettiness. That’s where faith steps in. A greater something to hold on to. A passion, an addiction that takes you beyond this world into an escape, a boost to self-actualization, a way to hold on. In having this and grasping this you survive, and, if you’re really clever, you’ll manage to find a way to help others with it as well. All this misery and craziness around you- you’ll find a way to redirect your passion into diluting it. And if you’re a genius, then through the process you’ll find a way to evolve and one day you’ll discover the person that you are is much stronger, much wiser, much more brilliant and capable than you ever thought you’d be.
Does that sound familiar? I know what I’m thinking of. Supernatural- well as per Kripke’s original concept at any rate. Turns out I’m old-fashioned after all. I have a need to believe, a need to have faith that something makes life worth living. I don’t know if it’s a good thing or bad that the function religion originally served- defining a greater need- has been replaced by TV shows, but hey, society’s dynamic. Society evolves. In evolving it leaves somethings behind. Perhaps religion is one of those somethings now that society has evolved beyond and now it expresses its eternal emotions, its need to believe, through another medium.
Don’t believe me? Take a look at this. It contains my favourite part of Grey’s Anatomy: the voiceovers.
It has several of my favourites, like, spoken by Derek: “Ask most surgeons why they became surgeons and they usually tell you the same thing. The high, the rush, the thrill of the cut.” I remember choking and thinking how it sounded extremely creepy and even a little grotesque. But it took me a week to understand. This is me. They are me. The thought of someone other than me thinking along these same lines was so alien to me that I didn’t even recognise it at first.
And: “I’ve seen a lot of surgical residents come and go on my time. And they’re all addicted. To surgery. It comes before food, before sleep, it becomes the most important thing. The only thing. What they don’t know is that living on that high can eat them alive. “
*small smile* Well, that sounds familiar at the moment.
So my favourite has to be this last one I’m about to quote. It reminds me of why I’m fighting so hard, what I’m fighting for. I’m exhausted and drained and pissed and burning, and sometimes, it’s hard to remember why it was so important in the first place. Sometimes, the price is just too high and I start wondering if it’s really worth the cost. What am I fighting for? What have I got to prove? Why do I have this all-consuming need to do it?
That’s when I remember the view from the top. The ecstatic moment of peace with the world below me. Meredith Grey and Grey’s Anatomy put it much better than I ever could.
“Whatever the game is, we like to win. And once we win, we get a new game. It doesn’t matter how much we achieve. If you’re climber, there’s always another mountain. They take pictures of mountain climbers at the top of the mountain. They’re smiling, ecstatic, triumphant. They don’t take pictures along the way. The relentless climb, the pain and anguish of taking it to the next level, nobody takes pictures of that. Nobody wants to remember. We just wanna remember the view from the top. The breathtaking moment at the edge of the world. That’s what keeps us climbing. And it’s worth the pain. That’s the crazy part. It’s worth anything.”