Why, hello there.
You look good.
You look amazing.
In fact, you look FREAKING GORGEOUS, and I’m so happy to see you back!
How has it been? I’m not going to lie, I’ve enjoyed this short break I’ve taken and forced you to take from me. I have stretched my mind until I felt like I regained my purpose in life, rested my brain, drank some reviving emotional succour and found new friends to cuddle with. I like my new friends. They’re nice. They keep me alive sometimes and let me steal their food.
And now I’m back with another crackin’ post (lol jk), doing what I do best: fangirling. This time, it’s about those frosty simians that have stolen the hearts of millions of people around the world, and whose frontman has redefined the idea of “sexy” to whole new heights: the Arctic Monkeys.
Bet you didn’t see that one coming.
I’ll be up front here: I never really “got” music, especially not Western popular music. It was just something I listened to and filled my ears with. I never considered the ideas of how a song is not just the words which, perhaps naturally as a literature enthusiast, I tended to focus on, or how the various layers of a song contribute to the complex structural quality that ultimately forms the music and melodies we listen to. I know, I know; to me, too, it seems too obvious now to have missed, but somehow I just didn’t.
And then along came Professor X to misapprehend my misapprehensions.
Professor X, who shall remain unnamed, taught us many things: how to not drink, to not smoke and not do drugs, and, perhaps most importantly, to make terrible jokes in class that everyone laughs at anyway because, well, he is the professor. But the most valuable thing Professor X has taught us is the truth that he, too, is a fanboy: of literature, some Other Arts, and, it goes without saying, music.
Professor X introduced me to Western popular music in a way nobody ever had done before, and instantly, I may add, he ruined my life. ONE SIMPLY DOES NOT GIVE A FANGIRL AN INTRODUCTION TO HER FAVOURITE DRUG, PROFESSOR X: one simply does not introduce a fangirl to a new fandom with no warning! But it happened, it’s done, and now I’m head over heels in the world of music, the creation of music, and the eargasm that is combination of beautiful lyrics and musical layering done to perfection. I have resorted to desperate measures: I’m doing 3 am Google searches about random classic rocks bands even Professor X did not think of mentioning in class; I’m kidnapping friends during lunch times to demystify the monumental mysteries of songwriting and the structure of a rock song. Here are is an actual picture of an actual diagram my friend drew to explain the basics of electric guitars to me.
Here’s another picture of her brilliant rendering of a drum kit.
And here’s my magnum opus: The Squiggly Line Representation of How A Rock Song Works (Usually) (Often) (Probably Not).
I’m so proud.
First, it was the Beatles: I got Beatlemania about 50 years too late and ended up annoying all my new friends with frequent and unnecessary updates about every aspect of the Fab Four’s lives. I was only just recovering when suddenly Nirvana and Led Zeppelin crashed down through a musical dam and submerged me in waves of fabulousness, and I stayed drowned in that beautiful vortex for about a month more. And then one day, without warning, I stumbled upon the spectacle of four young lads from Sheffield crooning songs to melt one’s heart (and nether regions) into a cute puddle of hormonal goo, and the rest, as they say, is fangirling history.
And so we come to Losing My Musical Virginity, Part One. The Discovery is over, I have well and truly plunged into the fiery depths of rock-music heaven and it is now time to rant at you about the second part of this Neverending Tour (see what I did there): the part where I Monkey around with the little shits who are eating into my heart in the best, most beautiful way possible.
Tell me about your first musi-sexual experience! Which singer/song/band made up your first time? Is it still a favourite? Have your musical tastes evolved since then, or not? Let me know in the comments, and we’ll get a beautiful fanpost going!
Until then, heart emojis and toodles.
This post has now evolved into the first of a series! Coming soon is the first of 8 guest posts on bands ranging from Queen and Nirvana to Years and Years and Vampire Weekend. Hang around for more!